I spoke with a friend about some experiences with negative communication, and thought I'd try to share some tidbits on my feelings surrounding generating positive communication to strengthen relationships.
PREVIOUS INTERACTION GUIDES THE METHOD OF REJUVENATED INTERACTION
When we re-encounter a person after a long absence, we tend to interact with them using the same habits and modes of communication that existed between us previous to our separation. For example, picture meeting up after several years separation with a good friend, one of those 'goldies' that you truly cared about, but inadvertently lost through the passage of time. It would generally be a happy time, right? One where you'd want to catch up on their adventures over the past couple of years. To borrow a phrase, with little effort your relationship 'just clicks.' Why is this so? How is it that you can immediately jump into conversation and fill in the blanks of a great passage of time?
This experience, which we all meet in some form or another, is possible because there was an initial foundational relationship on which to build. The foundation may have been a project at work, similar athletic or religious interests, or time spent in conversation. We generally interact with a specific person the way we generally acted with them in the past. This is an obvious extension of the fact that unless tended to, we are creatures of habit. If the relationship was positive, this can be a good thing. If the original relationship was negative, rejuvenating old methods of communication is going to be, once again, a negative experience.
WHAT ABOUT BEING CHANGED?
Some people become extremely frustrated with this phenomena when it occurs in a negative context. They cite examples of, "I'm a changed person. I've been away to college and have grown up. Why do I still fight with my Mother?" or (in a religious application) "I've served a mission for two years and thought I overcame this relationship problem. Why does it suddenly become a struggle once again?" These questions stem from the recognition that although we have undergone experiences where we feel we have changed, we may still hold on to negative tendencies of communication. These negative forms of communication are neither indicative of who we have become, nor, in some cases, of how we truly feel.
THE PARADOX OF COMMUNICATION
We generally pick up a relationship where it had been left off because the original emotional attachment with which the relationship was held in regard has not changed. Quite possibly each party has changed, even to a great degree, but the relationship itself has morphed very little. No time has been invested in building new methods of communicating (incorporating respect, giving compliments, being vocal about concern for another person's wellbeing, etc.). Even when we do hold true to the changes that have taken place within us, our positive spin on a relationship may be met with distrust or manipulation.
It is easy to see that in order for our relationships to change, we must first change ourselves. This is a standard given. Now, enter the paradox of communication: In order for communication to change, the other person's method of communication must change. Change matters just as much about the other person as it does about us. If the other person remains unchanged, no matter our finest efforts, our intercommunication does not reach a break though. It is walled when one party stubbornly holds to the 'old' method of communication. By crossing a bridge only halfway, you don't make it across the river. Whatever are we to do? First we have to change ourselves, and if that isn't difficult enough, we have to begin worrying about if the other person will change!
COMMUNICATION 'SKILL'
To change our own personal method of communication, we must develop the skill to share things that breach old communication habits. For indulgence of my own personal humor and a deficit of a proper example, if you always fight with your husband when you walk in the front door, try coming home through the back door. Nothing changes unless it changes. We must be willing to eradicate the bad habits upon which our negative communication is predicated. Change what is bad. Enough said. Your own personal application of change is dependent on your personal situation, and there is no proper suite of advice that can scratch the surface of every situation... except, ...
HOW THE ATONEMENT HELPS
...the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The magnificence of the sacrifice of the Saviour unto the Atonement is that while we change ourselves toward righteousness, we are filled with the directing spirit of the Hold Ghost which can guide change in others. We can pop the communication paradox in the head, killing two bad habits with one stone.
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