Closing Statement for a PhD Application

I have been writing essays for applications for days on end, and am finally finishing my last essay.  My brain has turned a bit to muddle, and I can only state and re-state in so many words why I am a qualified candidate.  Due to the lack of ingenuity associated with so many applications, I turned to a language that is clear and concise: mathematics.  I wrote this in my apartment when I was all alone.  I laughed so hard that anyone listening would have thought I was going to die. (And YES, I actually submitted this as my closing statement for one of my applications)

You will find below my response to the following question,

1.       As we consider your application, what would you like for us to remember about you?

It seems that communication is most productive when ideas are shared on the platform of common ground.  To this end, I leave a ‘last impression’ for the Nuclear and Radiological Engineering graduate committee in the form of a mathematical equation.  

I will make use of a fraction, where the numerator is designated as my EXPERIENCE, and the denominator is IMPEDING FACTORS. When divided, the fraction equals my SUCCESS RATE as a Ph.D. candidate.   

In basic form, the fraction may be viewed as:

EXPERIENCE / (IMPEDING FACTORS) = SUCCESS RATE.

Three positive exponents are associated with my EXPERIENCE, namely variables A, B, and C.  Exponent A is DESIRE, exponent B is PROFESSIONAL/RESEARCH EXPERIENCE, and exponent C is EDUCATIONAL GOALS. The cumulative effect of each of these positive exponents is to drastically raise the value of my EXPERIENCE.

One positive exponent, D, is associated with the denominator: FUNDING.  Although the reducing effect of the exponent FUNDING may be substantial on the overall SUCCESS RATE, it is negated by the large value of EXPERIENCE.

EXPERIENCE ^ (A*B*C) / (IMPEDING FACTORS ^ D) = SUCCESS RATE.

I believe I have a high SUCCESS RATE, and I have proven it.